Friday, May 23, 2014

Sorry, I lied.

I know I said this blog would be strictly for lyric purposes, but lately, I have been feeling too much at once, and I don't know how to handle it. I feel like I have lost everything. Am I being dramatic? I lost a job that paid well with great benefits, I am scared to death of where I am at in life and I just don't know how to cope with everything. 
This overwhelming pressure of anxiety on my chest is making it impossible to sleep. I want things to get better. They have to get better. Everyone I loved, everyone I cared about is going away. Why is life getting so lonely? The choices I've made.. Do I deserve this? I made the choices I did, so I suppose I do deserve it all.
I can't change anything. I have to keep going no matter how hard it gets. I have two people who depend on me. They need me to be strong, even if I feel like I can't. Lately, my weight has been up and down. Lowest point, 94 pounds. The doctors threatened to send me to a facility to get my weight up. They wanted to shove a tube up my nose and force calories in me.
Now, at 115, they are happy that I am right where they want me to be. My bones no longer show. I don't look emaciated. 
I can't make any more mistakes. If I lose weight again, I could lose everything. I can't afford to lose everything. What would live be worth living if I had nothing?

1 comment:

  1. You pointed out something in your post.
    "I feel like I've lost everything" to "I can't lose everything". And you haven't. You have two little people do depend on you and your best friend who would be lost without you. Not to mention your husband, your family, and your other friends.

    A job is just a way to earn green paper that is worth a ridiculous amount. A career is a way to earn that same green paper but actually be happy with your life. It's time you found the second one, which I'm willing to bet, is why it didn't work out with the first one.